A Lack of Speech for Ten Whole Minutes

Sunday, May 15

Have you ever awoken to be a zombie and felt the need to immediately go back to sleep?  That was me this morning.

The free Nespresso booth is really coming in handy because the Frenchmen do not get annoyed when I say things like "This was marketed as an 'iced macchiato' why is there no ice?"  I've decided those people are truly saints.

Today was a hang out day. We went to the American Pavilion to drink overpriced Evian and stare at the one dog who was in the tent.

Fun fact: that dog ended up being Carrie Fischer's therapy dog. She is definitely nuts and the years have not been kind, but anyone who participated in the filming of "When Harry Met Sally" is a friend of mine.

Here's the thing about Cannes: the weather is out to get you. If you forget your umbrella, the heavens will open up. If you bring a jacket, you will burn alive in it waiting in line for a film.

The big ticket films are beginning to premiere which means in order to get into the screening, you have to arrive to the theater an hour+ to get a seat. This was something we learned today when turned away from Ken Loach's "I, Daniel Blake" in a relatively smaller scale theater.

Don't worry. I just talked in a cockney accent for the duration of our line waiting so I think it was the same as seeing the film? Pretty close at least.

After my first Coke in this country (bless you coca cola) with fraises avec sucre (strawberries with sugar), we got in line for what would be the single most scarring event to date.

Did you know that Russia cares absolutely nothing about anything because that is what I learned in the viewing of "Uchnik" (The Disciple). Basically Russia can break all the rules and leave you with nothing and you feel like you have lost all hope in the world.

After this film which consisted of 98% yelling and 2% angular jaws of actors, I could not speak for fifteen minutes. This is a feat I am telling you. I rarely am at a loss for words.

For a short summary minus any spoilers in case you hate yourself and want to be rid of all joy in your life by seeing this film, the movie focuses on Venia, a high school sociopath who justifies all his actions with scripture. Astoundingly, the majority of his lines are actual scripture. The director wrote the verse verbatim into the script. He battles with his progressive biology teacher for the duration of the film, before becoming truly evil.

AKA he gets a really dramatic God complex. If you thought seeing Natalie Portman in "Black Swan" was uncomfortable, you haven't seen anything yet. That was child's play.

Russia knows evil because I sat in my seat afterwards and could not identify any feelings. The ending felt like someone dropped me off in a desert and yelled from the car "Good luck getting home, douchebag."

In the madness and evil of the film, some of the lighting choices were brilliant. As his God complex got more intense, the lighting on his face and hands when he would "perform acts of God's will" were basked in a golden or overwhelming light.

I think it was well made. I'm using 'think' because I half think I blacked out. Apparently this film was a response to Putin's law that religion had to be taught in every state school, blurring the very important separation between church and state.

If so, then brava. I live in fear of the lead actor.

After this film, we sat for a pizza to decompress and then waited two hours for a train that came eventually.

Days can be weird.  But Ryan Gosling arrives tomorrow so I think I can make it.