Thursday, May 19, 2016

The Funniest Australians You Ever Did Meet

Thursday, May 19

Since the American Pavilion has slowly been running out of the good free snacks, we've been making less trips there. Now all we are left with are power bars that taste identical to chalk, the tiny tins of mints that seem to make your breath smell worse, and the butter coffee (for first time readers, they take a wedge of butter that Paula Dean would think is too much and blend it with your coffee for "good" fat - bad bad bad let me tell you).

I miss the days of the free sea salt chocolate truffles.

A group of us got up on the earlier side to go see Andrea Arnold's highly anticipated American Honey, a film about a girl from a lower income family who joins a group of young scam artists selling door-to-door magazine.

While this story isn't for your thirteen year old niece, it's worth seeing (it's already getting Palm d'Or buzz). The whole film (over 2 1/2 hours) is shot in a square frame, making the whole thing read like an intimate set of Polaroid pictures you found in the closet.

Breakout star, Sasha Lane (main character "Star"), delivers a heartfelt performance, breaking our hearts when she falls for Shia LaBeouf's "Jake" and buys into this tumultuous lifestyle. We watch her life unravel on the road set against a playlist of Rihanna, Big Sean and Bruce Springsteen.

If you're looking for a wild ride, this is for you.

After sitting for about 2 hours and 45 minutes, we turned around and walked into Toni Erdmann, the German comedy sweeping Cannes.  The line to see the film wrapped around the building an hour and a half before the film even started.

It was hysterical. This was a comedy that made me laugh out loud for fifteen minutes straight. It tells the story of the strained relationship between uptight daughter and her goofball father who invent the personality "Toni Erdmann" to hang out with his daughter.

The movie will have you in laughing fits and remind you what's important in life. Be warned: lots of nudity but you will die laughing if you love dark comedies.

We went to get gelato after the film. This gelato shop is famous for making your cone look like a flower, each flavor carefully layered on top of each other to fold out like petals.

We had to dip to stand in line for Xavier Dolan's newest film It's Only the End of the World."

Something none of us realized is how much time it takes to go see a film. In addition to the time you're spending in the theater, you have to map out how much time to get there in advance and judge how popular you think that screening will be. An hour and a half early is a good guesstimate for most films.

Passing the time by eating and/or playing games on our French cell phones from 2003 helps a lot.

Inside, we sat next to two of the funniest people I have met on this trip. An Australian producer and a guy closer to our age who worked for her. We heard all about the horrors of the Melbourne Film Festival this year, about how the wild Australian Pavilion's party has turned into a stale breakfast ("3 day old croissants - disgusting!" they told us).

Other notable quotes:
"Americans reeeeally need to move on from the whole Prince thing. He was important to me too but it has been a month."
"The American Pavilion needs to hire better DJs."
"That director has literally become an embarrassment to Australia. He was slurring his speech last time we talked to him though...his count must be coming up."

I'm not sure if you have ever felt like you wasted three hours of your life but if you're looking for the experience, It's Only the End of the World comes pretty close.

It was saved only by the beauty of Gaspard Ulliel (look him up, ladies. very important) and Marion Cotillard and some really nice shots.

For the most part, we follow Gaspard Ulliel's character home to the worst household in France where every single person has no personality but has not learned how to finish a sentence. The first hour of the film was Marion Cotillard stuttering her way through lines that get talked over or she gets too scared to finish them.

Lots of yelling, lots of name calling and lots of eyeshadow. There's your film summary.

Worth note: this director has made 6 films and he's only 27. He's pretty award winning.

I get it. The shots are nice and the style is unique. If I have ever seen an arthouse film, this is one. Put it at the bottom of your list because the plot is empty and also IS LEFT UNRESOLVED.

Some people have loved it though. I'd stick to Captain Fantastic.

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